Take That, Dow Chemical; Make My Day, Dupont

Hey, Monsanto, meet Tyne Daly.

Yup, I named my rented rototiller after the actor who played Detective Mary Beth Lacey, one half of the iconic 1980s crime fighting duo, Cagney and Lacey.

Who better than tough-as-nails Lacey to take on the agro- and petrochemical industries? These companies have  convinced several generations of Americans to grow toxic golf course lawns free from weeds and fauna. Only one way to do that: spray our monoculture turfscapes with billions of gallons of poison, waste trillions of gallons of water, and spew tons of fossil fuels into the air mowing the damn stuff. And for what? For our annual game of croquet? Or for the dog we're too lazy to walk?

Now, while I've never used any chemicals on my lawn, I am guilty of cropping it with a gas guzzling mower. Many years ago, I did buy a manual push mower, but the crab grass is so thick, my push mower just didn't cut it.

I've been waiting twenty years to rip this unnatural, Sam Donaldson rug off my yard, and replace it with useful and ecological plants of the vegetable and wild flower variety. Even the Side Show Bob spirea we have next to the house is a better use of land.

For starters, let's be real: I'm only taking about a third of the front yard's turf grass at this point (the side and back lawns have long ago been ripped up). I still have to accumulate the flora with which to replace it. One can only divide one's hostas so many times. And, I still have to terrace and build raised vegetable beds.  But, mark my word, I plan to rid our entire property of all turf grass. Notice to the City of Des Moines: This includes the parking strip between the sidewalk and the street.

That first pass was cathartic. Tyne kicks ass.

Three-quarters of the way there and I've only used up an hour of my four-hour rental. Maybe I should do the neighbors a favor. I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Reminds me a bit of my first Navy haircut.